“I need to say that his work needs improvement but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.”
I had a good chuckle with a client last month when she said something along those lines. “Not hurt his feelings?” I said. “It would be appropriate for him to lose sleep after this conversation.” Since the feedback bordered on recommending a PIP, there was no time to waste making sure he understood the severity of the situation.
When things are serious, sugar-coating is a true disservice.
What does it look like to sugar-coat feedback? It might sound like this:
- In the future, it might be good if you tried to change a little bit…
- You might consider updating the way you…
- Some folks on the team (Not me! We’re good!) had some feedback about your tone so they asked me to…
- Maybe next time you could think about…
And so on. Can you hear all of those padded words? Kinda-sorta vibes convey many options other than what you must convey which is, succinctly, that this person must improve. Or else!
So what would direct feedback look like?
- Moving forward, I need to see…
- As a senior team member, I expect for you to…
- I’ve received feedback about your tone. Are you aware that this is an issue for others?
- Before we leave this meeting, I want you to understand your priorities for the next week; we will check in on them in our next 1:1.
There are SO many people you can be extra nice to. Children! The elderly! Pregnant women, thoughtful subway passengers, baristas and the call center representative at your 401k company. Being too nice to your underperforming team member does not set them up for success. “Clear is kind,” as Brené says. Indeed.
Coaching spots for April
I rarely get to say this but I’ve got a couple of slots opening up in my coaching roster in April. If you’ve ever thought about reaching out, this might be your moment!
Engaging with a coach is often a seasonal decision, intended to support you through a specific challenge or period. Coaching might be a good option for you if:
- your boss is too busy to have meaningful 1:1s
- you’re struggling to wield power authentically and effectively
- you’re navigating neurodivergence at work
- you just had a baby and you want to stay home but your company is about to IPO and you need to hold on a little longer because maybe then you could cash in and stay home with the baby.
You know, general topics like that.
You can read more about coaching and watch a quick video here. Or if you’re ready to chat, go ahead and grab some time on my calendar here!
Book Tour – come say hi!
This book tour keeps on rolling! Hit me up at one of these book tour stops!
3/1, 6:30pm (Philadelphia, PA)
Tattooed Mom Bar
3/7, 5:30pm (Baltimore, MD)
AWP Offsite reading at Metro Gallery
3/8, 5:30pm (Reston, VA)
Reston Readings at Reston Used Bookshop
3/14, 1-4pm (Seven Corners, VA)
Barnes & Noble book signing
4/9, 6pm (Yorktown Heights, NY)
Libri Cafe
4/13, 6:30pm (Cambridge, MA)
The Smoot Standard
Chances are, if you’ve been promoted into management, you’ve been labeled a “people person.” You might be good at reading a room, picking up on people’s energies, intuiting what’s really going on underneath the words. That’s great.
But also: that’s not enough in a professional context. Regardless of how intuitive you are, workplaces require managers to triple-check their assumptions and ask directly for information. As we move through performance management season, be mature and say the thing. Your report deserves a chance to improve.
xo Jen
PS. Have you read I Believe in Everything? Would you do me a favor and review it on Amazon or Goodreads? No need to write sentences (though by all means do so!)… dropping some stars is really helpful when introducing potential readers to the book. Thank you!
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